What first signalled your struggle with mental health? And how did it affect you?

Leaving the second Covid lockdown, I was holding onto a lot of baggage. I was finding it difficult and frustrating to manage the different personalities around me, and I felt I had fallen far from the place I had tried hard to create for myself, both creatively and professionally.

Self-doubt was where it began. I had rushed to get back to a ‘normal’, without acknowledging the impact these events had on me as an individual. The lockdown was tough, and I wasn’t me anymore.

Designers are often accused of being overly passionate — but that’s because we are. I’m incredibly passionate and I love what I do. But when I lost that passion following recent mental health issues, it was scary. It was a huge thing for me to lose that emotional connection to my work. I would wake up in the morning with that knot in my chest and I couldn’t lose it, it would be the same each day. I had no creative energy or desire to be creative.

“Designers are often accused of being overly passionate — but that’s because we are. …When I lost that passion following recent mental health issues, it was scary. … I would wake up in the morning with that knot in my chest and I couldn’t lose it, it would be the same each day. I had no creative energy or desire to be creative.”

I was losing control. I was becoming vague and disconnected, disinterested, unenthused, anxious and scared. I was becoming a stranger to myself and to the people around me. My mind was telling me I was alone and afraid — and I believed it.

I don’t think it would matter what field you were in, something like the pandemic brings mental health risks.

When did it become too much for you at work?

Everything just fell apart one day. Heavy feelings and a sense of imposter syndrome had been boiling away in the back of my mind for a while. I was becoming anxious, insecure and intimidated by my own thoughts and feelings. I was starting to feel that I might be dealing with something big.

But it wasn’t until a colleague noticed a difference and asked me if something was wrong that I knew I was facing something serious that I had never felt before. That’s when I knew it was bigger than I could handle. I’m not sure if I was trying to avoid it, ignore it or fight it.

People around me were telling me: You don’t seem you? And I wasn’t. That’s when I became my most vulnerable and I fell apart in front of a close colleague. I knew I was in trouble and needed to focus on myself and my health.

“Heavy feelings and a sense of imposter syndrome had been boiling away in the back of my mind for a while. I was becoming anxious, insecure, and intimidated by my own thoughts and feelings. I was starting to feel that I might be dealing with something big.”

It’s only through this journey that I became aware of mental health challenges throughout my family history.

I would honestly never have expected to be impacted by mental health challenges. I didn’t think it would be something I would personally battle or deal with. That was the hardest thing — dealing with something you’re not prepared for, something you can’t understand.

And that’s the thing about the health of our mental state — it’s different for everyone, it can be gradual or sudden. I had depression and for me, it was sudden.

How common is stress and anxiety felt among designers and are there any unique factors that contribute to it in the field of architecture and design, specifically?

Maybe somewhat naïvely, I’d never given much thought to the challenges surrounding mental health within our industry, but now I would say it’s certainly something we are vulnerable to.

It is a real thing because I think of how much we, as designers and as individuals, give to our industry. We are creatively invested in the process and the belief that we can always do better and be better. We want to change lives and transform experiences, meet deadlines and budgets, win awards and believe we are special.

It’s a lot of pressure and that pressure is put onto us by ourselves. As an aspiring professional, I don’t want to fail but failing is part of the process.

How did Warren and Mahoney (W+M) support you through your struggle with mental health?

W+M prioritises the safety and wellbeing of their employees. But the feelings of confusion, vulnerability and fear weren’t something I felt comfortable sharing with my employer at the beginning.

I was trying to look after myself by myself and not create attention. But when things finally broke, W+M was the first to help. Their discretion allowed me to quietly step back and away, supporting my decision to completely remove myself from my work. Hearing the words, “You’ve given a lot to us, so it’s our turn to give back to you,” meant a lot to me and gave me more headspace to self-care.

“…Feelings of confusion, vulnerability and fear weren’t something I felt comfortable sharing with my employer at the beginning. Hearing the words, ‘You’ve given a lot to us, so it’s our turn to give back to you,’ meant a lot to me and gave me more headspace to self-care”

I was also fortunate to be able to rely on my relationships with experienced senior members who I could confide in. I’m not the first person to go through this but the help that I still receive was a big deal.

What was it like coming back to work?

Returning to W+M took time. I needed to be in control. I had lost control, so now I had to pace myself and ease back into it. A few hours two days a week became a few more hours, a few more days a week, until I was ready to feel like part of our team again.

I had needed to leave behind one project and begin another. Selfishly, I needed to get back into it. I needed to find my way back to feel a sense of ownership, to find my confidence and feel passionate again. W+M allowed me to do this. When I was ready, I could start to share some of my feelings and experiences with others. And by sharing, I could have deeper, broader conversations with more people, contributing and adding value.

Life has an interesting way of turning around when you least expect it. Near the end of last year, I had the opportunity to join a W+M cohort that travelled to Te Puia in Rotorua for a three-day Te Kete Aronui experience.

Ko Te Kete Aronui te kaupapa, ko Te Puia te whenua, Ko te tikanga he wānanga.

We spent our time immersed in a journey of discovery and experience, learning about Aotearoa’s indigenous culture. It was, and remains, a truly humbling experience of manaaki and connection shown to us through our generous hosts and peers.

I left with a profound sense of self awareness and appreciation for the spiritual connections I share with the places and people around me and my own beliefs. The experience was unexpected and incredible, and has left a lasting impression on me.

In your opinion, is there anything that design practices can do better to help manage stress and/or burnout among employees?

It’s a complicated thing. I’m not sure if there can be an obvious plan to manage a situation like mine. But I was really lucky — everyone I spoke to just knew just what to say and insisted that I took time out.

The first interactions are so important and my leaders got it right. And if managers and leaders from within an organisation can share their own experiences, or of those around them, then that is also a big comfort.

Why do you think people have difficulty discussing mental health problems when, according to Statistics NZ, a quarter of the population says they have poor mental health?*

I think when you feel like this for the first time, it’s hard to understand it, or give it a name it, or discuss it.

Sometimes we convince ourselves we should be capable of sorting it out, or telling ourselves that we can do something about it on our own. And that’s probably why we don’t have the conversation.

“Sometimes we convince ourselves we should be capable of sorting it out, or telling ourselves that we can do something about it on our own. And that’s probably why we don’t have the conversation.”

The people closest to me had no idea how I was feeling until I reached the point where I needed to seek help. I had been dealing with it for about a year on my own and I couldn’t convince myself any longer that I could fix myself by myself.

Do you think there is enough awareness surrounding how best to think about work in a healthy way?

There are amazing companies and organisations that do great work raising awareness and helping to demystify the stigma of mental health. There are industry initiatives like ‘Mates in Construction’, which support and proactively encourage the conversation.

We do need to be consciously aware that we can move in and out of a place where we need to take care of our mental health.

Lastly, do you have any closing thoughts on the issue of mental health in the industry?

Our industry is one of many that exist through the pressures and stressors of budget, performance, profitability and innovation. It attracts passionate, dedicated, intelligent people who care — a lot. This sometimes means we are our own worst critics, holding ourselves to a higher standard.

It’s important to remind yourself that the most important piece of design is yourself.

^Footnotes:

^{*Reily, Sandy. (2022, July 05). New Zealanders’ mental wellbeing declines. Stats NZ Tatauranga Aotearoa. https://www.stats.govt.nz/news/new-zealanders-mental-wellbeing-declines/#:~:text=The%20data%20showed%20a%20significant,to%2028%20percent%20in%202021.}

^{**Anderson, Diane; Dominick, Clare; Langley, Emma; Painuthara, Kecia; Palmer, Stephanie. (2020, May). Rapid Evidence Review, The immediate and medium-term social and psycho-social impacts of COVID-19 in New Zealand. Ministry of Social Development. https://www.msd.govt.nz/documents/about-msd-and-our-work/publications-resources/statistics/covid-19/social-impacts-of-covid-19.pdf}

^Resources:

^{If you, or someone that you know is struggling with their mental health, Mental Health New Zealand offer free support and information on their website.
To learn about Te Kete Aronui initiative click here.
To get help, become a partner, or support Mates in Construction click here.}

Warren and Mahoney is a multi award winning architecture practice in seven locations across New Zealand and Australia. Learn more and view their project portfolio on their website.